I’m not sure what the current blogging etiquette is about what constitutes as too personal and TL;DR, but something in me feels absolutely compelled to write this.

Feel free to skip along if you’re uninterested about nonsensical ramblings about religion and my incessant questions about the validity of the Church.

Anyway.

dont stop praying. prayer has nothing to do with the people around you. just you and god. in the end, what else do you have?
- rae (one of the most awesome people in the universe, except for the fact that he left me for Africa)

I love that it’s my atheist gay best friend who is helping me keep the last vestiges of my Christianity.

I’ve been writing and rewriting this for the past half hour, trying to make some sense of things, but really, it all boils down to this: I’m struggling. A lot.

I’m not going to lie - I am  incredibly confused and disheartened.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve grown up with this belief, or if it really is something that’s innately me, but I can’t imagine my life without God or even just believing in God. I’ve tried, believe me, but I can’t come to grips with the idea that God doesn’t exist.

But at the same time, I can’t abide by what the Church is teaching (hence the whole me not having stepped foot inside a church since I moved to Ottawa a year and a half ago), and I certainly do not approve a lot of the doctrines that are fundamentally important to Evangelical Christianity (because, yes, I do believe in equality for all - and that includes redefining the word “marriage” to include same-sex couples). I mean, let’s face it - if I were to face judgement now according to the criteria taught by the Church, I’d be sent straight to hell, without a Castiel to save me.

Pre-marital sex, promiscuity, lust for the same gender, alcohol, drugs - yeah, not exactly a stranger to those things, and they definitely aren’t exactly condoned by the Church. Does it make me a lesser individual before God (a supposedly loving God, who has saved all by grace, mind you) for doing those things? I’d like to think not, but that’s not what I was taught in Sunday school.

Maybe Rae is right - that at the end of the day, it really is just about me and God, and not the people around me (ie. the Church). I don’t know.

All I know is that my views of God, Christianity, and faith in general have been royally fucked up by eighteen years of learning black and white evangelical teachings, and I am having a hard time breaking out of them.

I want to honestly just say fuck it all, and move on, but I can’t.

Damn it. Can’t I just have my kind, loving, God and my current lifestyle, too? Or do I really need to put on a sackcloth, make it like Jonah, and repent?

Akjdhsllskfjhlkdsfjkldsfldsfsdfd.

I need to sleep.

PS. Yeah, clearly, I fail at being succinct. And coherent.

PPS. There was a point in the post above somewhere. I promise. It’s there…somewhere.